You're So Full Of Yourself

No. I had a lot of insecurities and a low self esteem which I worked extremely hard to overcome. And that is my biggest accomplishment. My story is a little different than your regular average teenagers. I've kept this locked inside my head for so many years, it's actually starting to drive me crazy. Until recently I was having a conversation with an old friend who shared a similar story. We talked about our feelings, cried a little, and helped each other. You know, all the girly things. But It makes me wonder who is struggling with the same things I am, and if I can help a single person, then I'm more than willing to share my story and share awareness of these serious subjects. No more dancing?! I was an awkward kid. I went through more stages than any other junior high student, that I can guarantee. From emo gothic hard rocker to a pop princess, I was all about experiencing new things. I was on a dance competition team for 13 years. Dance was everything to me. It made me happy, and the rush of performing on stage was something I craved. I had a lot of friends and I liked to be liked. My life was pretty good. But then I started noticing things about myself. I started to become shy and quiet. Only talking when I was spoken to. I was suddenly scared to dance in front of people, and the stage turned into my worst enemy. I hated making eye contact and being around large amounts of people. This wasn't me at all. So, I quit dancing. It stressed me out to a point where I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin. Those of you who have felt this way know exactly what I'm talking about and know that it is the absolute worst feeling in the world. Everything began to change. Don't Believe Everything You Think Now, around this time, I was having some health issues that I wanted to get checked. If you want to hear more about that story, click on the Chiari Diagnosis button at the bottom of the page! But after I had figured all of that out, I still didn't have a complete answer as to why I was feeling the way I was. I felt like this wasn't health related. It wasn't something that I could physically see, but I could mentally and emotionally feel. It was draining. At the end of all of the doctor visits to figure out my health issues, my mom and I met with a pediatrician so that he could look at the whole picture and figure out what was wrong with me emotionally. He began asking me questions like, "Do you enjoy school?" "Do you worry about a lot of things?" "Are you overall happy?" I have never talked to anyone about how I was feeling emotionally. However, I lied and told him life was great and that I couldn't be happier. As soon as he left the room, I turned to my mom and just completely broke down crying. "It's All In Your Head" I had been hiding a lot of things. Not only from my friends and family, but from myself. I had become a completely different person. As you can probably guess, my doctor diagnosed me with depression and General Anxiety Disorder or GAD. Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. It's the fear of failure, but no urge to be productive. It's wanting friends, but hating to socialize. It's wanting to be alone, but not wanting to be lonely. It's caring about everything so much, and not caring about anything at all. It's feeling everything at once, then feeling paralyzingly numb. Along with the depression came the self harming, eating disorders, and suicide attempts. And along with anxiety came the awful and terrifying anxiety attacks. These things are not a joke. They are real things that real people struggle with on a daily basis, and I feel like they're becoming more of a normal thing. People who have never experienced anxiety or depression don't get it. They tell you, "It's all in your head." or "Just be happy." If mental illnesses could be seen on a sufferer, then maybe society wouldn't say, "Just get over it." They don't understand what you mean when you say you cry for no reason. They think you're just emotional. They don't know how it feels to have your heart pumping out of your chest and to be short of breath and you can't control it. They don't get that these are illnesses, not a birth defect. It's not your personality either. They think we like attention, when honestly, that's the last thing we want. When you have these things, simply just existing feels like a full time job. One in six people suffer from depression or a chronic anxiety disorder. It amazes me how common it is in today's world. I am in no way writing this to complain or to sound like I'm whining. In fact, this is a lot harder to write than I thought it was going to be. To put your story out there is a big deal to me. These are personal things, but they are things that people really do have to deal with. Revival But, my story isn't over yet. It has only just begun. It's been a long journey, but I can finally say that I'm comfortable in my own skin. I'm confident with who I am, and I couldn't be happier with where my life is headed. I still have to deal with things like anxiety attacks and sometimes waves of depression. But I focus on things that make me happy. Music, photography, art. There are so many things in this world to be happy about. Life is too fragile to just watch it float by. We need to learn to forgive ourselves and tell ourselves that life moves on. We have struggles and trials, but we learn from them, and we become the best that we can be. Dealing with these things has not been easy, trust me. I still get scared that I'm going to sink back into that dark hole and I wont be able to get out. But I've surrounded myself with good things and good people, and I am so thankful for that. I know you can't just "be happy" or just "get over it." But I am here to tell you that IT IS POSSIBLE. Please don't ever give up, because I almost did, and everyday I thank God that I'm still here. ​ Anxiety and depression uses imagination to picture something you don't want. Vision uses imagination to picture something you DO want. Either way, you tend to get what you focus on. So imagine a future where you shine, others thrive, and your hope shines brighter in the world. If you can see it, you can be it. ​