It's An Illness, Not a Choice!

If you know anything about me, you know that I love change. Whether it's rearranging my room twice a week, dying my hair, or getting in my car and driving somewhere I've never been, you can count me in. My brain turns to mush if i'm stuck in a routine for too long. I'm not going to lie, lately, I've been really stuck. Many of you know that I struggle with depression, and recently it's been getting the best of me. The problem with depression however, is that you know you'll be okay. You know that you have no reason to feel sad, but you just do. You know that getting up and doing something with your day will make you feel better, but you just can't find the strength to get out of bed. Honestly, depression is like living in a body that fights to survive, but with a mind that tries to die. I've realized that this is going to be a life long battle. But I think I've finally come to terms with it. These past couple months, I've realized that I'm not really living. I'm just doing what I need to do to get by in life. I force myself to get out of bed after a sleepless night, take my happy pill, (or what I like to call it) make myself shower and get ready for work, put on a smile throughout my day, and when I get home, the feeling of emptyness that I woke up with returns. It seems as if I'm running away from this unhappiness and figuring out things that I can do to distract myself from this aching feeling. I was scared of it. For someone to tell you that the chemicals are messed up in your brain and that it's going to make you sad as a result is a hard thing to process. It's even harder when you don't even have a reason for it. But I'm sick of being scared of my own mind. As the new year rolls in, I have made it a goal to strive for happiness. No one deserves to live a life of greif and sadness. There are way too many good reasons to live this life. Waking up to the sound of rain, comfy pillows, loved ones, meeting new people, coffee, and those days where you wake up and decide you need to change. Lately, I've seen how depression can affect not only me, but my closest friends and family. Not only do I have to go through this, but they do, too. They see you every day and cherish the times when you have a smile on your face and genuinley mean it. I have learned that it is perfectly okay to admit that you're not okay. It's okay to be sad, to have hard days. But it's not okay when it consumes you and completely takes over your life. Whenever I find myself doubting how far I can go, I look back and remember how far I've come. I remember everything that I've faced, every battle, every fear, and make it into a strength. Mental illnesses are not a choice. Depression is such a cruel punishment. There are no rashes, no fevers, no blood tests to send people running in concern. It's just the slow erosion of ones self. As devious as cancer. However, recovery is a choice. That is one thing that I have denied for quite some time. I've found that recovery means being honest. About what I want, what I need to do to change, what I feel, and who I am. It's okay to talk about your feelings. It's okay to let people know that hey, I'm not having a good day today, but tomorrow will be better. In order to recover, I can't keep these feelings locked up, I need to communicate. So, my ultimate goal is to be at peace with myself. Eliminate those toxic feelings. Unlearn negative and harmful practices, create a space for myself that is nurturing so that I can generate loving energy to me and those around me. I have big dreams, and I deserve to live a life where mental illnesses can't stop me from reaching them. Healing will be the hardest thing that I've ever done. But I know that I can acheive this. And if you or someone you know is struggling with mental illness, just know that we're in this together. You are not alone. You have people who love you and care about you and that are so blessed to have you in their lives. Don't give up hope. Don't lose that last flame that is burning inside you, because it's burning for a reason. Let it grow and allow you to accomplish your dreams. You are stronger than you think, and you can kick depression in the ass.